Tag Archives: the rapture

rapture fails

I don’t know about you, but I feel rather let down by the lack of rapturing that took place on Saturday. Not that I wanted real full-on rapturing jazz to go down, but, at the very least, a good street party should have been in order. Or maybe a little streaking. No? Just me?

Anyway, as it turns out, Jozi wasn’t quite as into the rapturing thing as the States was. I thought this was lame at first, until I realised that perhaps it was a good thing. Turns out there were a number of rapture-related tragedies in the States with people taking things too far. Well, I don’t know if they still technically count as tragedies when they were stupidity-induced.

For instance, this guy, Herbert, had apparently been freaking out about the rapture and the second coming of Christ. He honestly believed jazz was going to go down, so his co-workers decided to stuff around with him a bit. Herbert left the open-plan office for a quick loo break and his co-workers lay their work outfits on their chairs in crumpled heaps and hid in a supply room. Herbert returned to find the Muslim janitor (who was in on the prank) hysterically running around and screaming that everyone had suddenly disappeared.

Herbert fell to the ground, clutching his heart, screaming, “I knew you’d forget me, Jesus! What did I do wrong?” Turns out the clutching-his-heart-thing was because he was having a heart attack. How awkward. His wife says that he hasn’t put his Bible down since he woke up from his bypass surgery.

Ok, so Herbert was a bit neurotic. It happens. What’s more difficult to understand is a lady who climbed out of her moving car’s sunroof and jumped, in the hopes that Jesus would catch her and take her up with him. Her husband, who was in the car with her, said that she’d apparently seen Jesus standing on the side of the road with 12 people floating upwards around him. Then she started screaming, “He’s back! He’s back!” and, before he could stop her, she jumped out the sunroof to join the floaters.

Turns out some guy was on his way to a rapture party and had dressed up as Jesus as a joke. People had always told him that he looked like Jesus and, finally, he got his chance to pull off being Jesus. Apparently, the tarpaulin covering the bed of his pickup had come loose and released the 12 blow-up sex dolls filled with helium that he’d stuffed in the back of his pickup (as one does). So “Jesus” pulled over to try to catch them. It was at this precise moment that the lady concerned drove past.

Eyewitnesses called it a “mistaken rapture”, which seems to me to be a rather big understatement, and “Jesus” was really freaked out and said that nothing like that had ever happened to him before. You don’t say.


p.s. they do kinda look like floating sex toys don’t they?

One settler, one prozac

Someone spray-painted this picture on a sign for an accounting firm near my office. I’m not sure how the accounting firm feels about it.

It’s obviously a play on the Azanian People’s Liberation Army slogan of “One settler, one bullet”, used during the 1980s struggle against Apartheid in South Africa or, as modified by Kobus in District 9, “One prawn, one bullet”. Come to think of it, kids probably think Kobus coined it. Anyway, before all the whites get uncomfortable, I just need to clarify that “settler” was never used to refer to all whites, just those who thought oppression was awesome.

I’m struck by the irony of the sign every time I drive past it and I don’t know whether to find it funny or not. I guess that’s the whole point. I’ve heard a lot of white people freaking out about South Africa lately, probably because of the elections and stuff. Sometimes their fears are totally WTF-like to me, but generally they are just the same fears as those held by South Africans of all races, usually having something to do with Julius Malema or the City of Johannesburg accidentally sending people electricity bills for R2.5 million (as though electricity metres even count that high). What I’m trying to say is that they are, by and large, understandable concerns, but nothing that a little prozac wouldn’t cure.

And they’re clearly concerns that are making people vote for the DA, as initial election results show that the DA has gained significantly in these elections, now holding approximately 1 in every 4 votes. That’s up from 1 in every 100 votes not that long ago. Clearly the DA is no longer just a white party because there are not enough whites (or coloured people for that matter) in this country to give them that much support. I wouldn’t be surprised if a lot of the DA’s new support is as a result of Juju being such a pain in the arse over the last few years, as well as COPE’s collapse of epic and embarrassing proportions. The DA should probably thank them all for that.

I’m all for a strong opposition, they keep the ANC on their toes, and democracy, service delivery and our everyday lives in general are better for it. It’s what is going to ensure that South Africa doesn’t go down the same disastrous route as many other African countries.

All of this doesn’t really matter considering that Judgement Day is scheduled for tomorrow. This is when people are supposed to get raptured and stuff. According to some very shady maths done by Harold Camping, who sounds like a full-on loony, tomorrow is 7000 years since Noah’s flood started. He’s cried this wolf several times before, making a big fuss of 21 May 1994 but, after that passed with no rapturing, he realised he’d “miscalculated” … again.

So we’ll see how tomorrow goes. Those of us who aren’t raptured may face “the torment of a scorpion” for the next 5 months until 21 October 2011, when the End of the World will go down. It doesn’t sound like much fun. Tell your friends and family you love and value them today… not because of the impending doom, but because you should do that every day. Peace out and all the best with Judgement Day.