Tag Archives: sexual Jesus

the peacock lady

A few weeks back, I was driving with my sister and we drove past a lady handing out fliers at an intersection. She was a petite, well-dressed coloured lady with long pig-tails hanging down to about her knees… actually, they looked more like two long, thin dreads than pig-tails. She should probably do something about that. Anyway, the robots were green for us, so we didn’t stop to see what was on her fliers, especially after my sister urged, “Don’t stop, don’t stop, it’s the peacock lady!”

“The peacock lady?” I asked as we drove off, watching her grow smaller and smaller in my side mirror.

“Yes, the peacock lady. You know the peacock lady right?” my sister asked.

“Er, no, I don’t know the peacock lady. Why should I know the peacock lady?”

“Come on! You’re joking right? How can you not know the peacock lady?”

“I’ve never heard of the peacock lady ok? And why is she called the peacock lady anyway?”

“Because she takes this peacock around with her wherever she goes. She’s seriously crazy.”

“Well, I didn’t see any peacock with her. I think you’re making this up”. (My sister is a scrupulously honest person who (mildly) overreacts when she’s accused of making stuff up. Which is exactly why I accuse her of making stuff up. Yes, yes, it’s quite mean, but it’s also quite entertaining.)

“No, I promise! She ususally has a peacock with her!” she protested adamantly. “Last time I saw her, she gave me a flier with a recipe for chocolate brownies on”.

“Like for brownies or brownies?”

She laughed and then said, “I can’t remember.”

“You mean she just walked up to you and gave you a recipe for chocolate brownies? I think you’re making this up.”

“Whatever Sarah! She has a peacock and she gave me a recipe for chocolate brownies! I’m not making it up! The first time I saw her riding her bicycle with her peacock, I was driving and almost crashed. Do you know how ridiculous someone looks riding a bicycle with a peacock on it?! It was just sitting there on her handlebars! At first, I thought it was stuffed and just tied or glued onto the handlebars, which is weird enough, but then it shuffled around a bit and I realised it was alive! I swear, I almost veered right off the road!”

As you can imagine, I was literally killing myself laughing by that stage.

Since then, I’ve seen her riding her bicycle around Harare several times, her pig-tails flicking at her bicycle wheels as she rode. But no peacock.

Then, this last weekend, I came across her at the same intersection again. She was clutching a fruitcake in her left hand (no jokes) as she gave out fliers. “I make reeeally good pancakes. I can make them for you one day. Also, this fruitcake is only $5. Very good too.” She flashed me a gold smile.

“Not today thanks” I replied. Tempting, but no.

“Then take one of my fliers.”

“Ok” I said, and took one.

This is what the flier said:

En Course En route…

Have you got the coming of Jesus

in you Yet

Start sexual therapy now & come off

the habit of me in we. ($30.00 per hr)

Get your Satan gown ordered now

& start your knowing with you! ($500.00)

Massages & probus card reading working the treat

for you to come on too! ($50.00 per hr)

Call Marilyn 0775 887270

for you requested vestment!

Too awesome! Talk about offering a very wide range of services. And what, pray tell, is a Satan gown?

I got home and showed my mum the flier. “Did you get this from the peacock lady?” she asked.

“How do know I got it from the peacock lady?”

“Because the peacock lady is the only one I know trying to spread the word of sexual Jesus.” Sexual Jesus?! Sooo finished!

Clearly I was rather delayed in finding out about the peacock lady. She seems to be somewhat of an institution here. I’m yet to see her peacock, but if you’re looking for fruitcake (or sexual therapy), give her a call. Or try the intersection outside Borrowdale School.

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