Tag Archives: sangomas

Of goblins and glowing cats

Over the past few weeks I’ve seen a number of things that have made me wonder about the human race… like me, all you can do is slowly shake your head with that unique combination of awe, confusion and judgment going through your mind.

Like when you see the new holder of the Guinness World Records longest nails:

And she looks like Medusa, but with the snakes coming out of her hands. She says that her long nails don’t interfere in her life very much, which makes me think that either she’s a liar or she can’t remember what life was like before she had those nails… coz you can’t tell me you can function properly with that jazz going on. Gross.

And the new holder of the world’s widest mouth record:

He’s from Angola and he scares me.

And if its not already too much that people are weird or do weird things to themselves, they also do weird things to animals. Recent research into preventing FIV (Feline Immunodeficiency Virus), which is the cat form of HIV, has involved scientists injecting monkey genes into a cat’s DNA. They wanted to see how the DNA replicated, so they marked the monkey genes with luminous jellyfish cells so they could tell which cells had the monkey genes in and which didn’t. So if you look at the cat’s cells under a microscope, they glow, and, well, if you look at the cat, it looks like this:

Like WTF tho?? They made two glowing cats and then made them have a litter of kittens. The kittens were not only all glow in the dark, but also resistant to FIV… like superhero mutant cats or something. My brother said when he has kids, he wants them to be glow in the dark. Then he asked me if I can get him a dwarf for Christmas. Then I got a bit uncomfortable.

The other day, I saw this google ad on my sidebar:

At first I was just confused what a “mirrow” was, and then I was puzzled as to how sangomas have managed to so effectively make use of google ad words. After checking out a couple of such sites, I realised that they have obviously all hired the same web developer, who has literally just cut and paste the same excerpts onto each sangoma’s site. I can’t help thinking that you have to be some kind of brave or stupid to double cross sangomas like that.

Anyway, not only have some sangomas kept up with new technology, but they’ve kept up with offering solutions for new problems facing society, such as the “call-me” spell which places “a very strong yearning in the recipient to call you, see you or contact you by any means available or possible” and the terror protection spells which “will make sure you NEVER will be close to a terror act”. So thoughtful in this day and age.

Some of their other services also made me chuckle, like the cherish spell which “invades the recipient with an irresistible urge to cherish you, cling to you, and to hold you in high regard” or the penis enlargement cream which you should “order now before you get an embarrassment from your woman”. Apparently the cream works even “if you are the laziest person alive”. And the divorce spell which should only “be used in extreme cases for example if your husband has disturbed you a lot and you are tired of his tortures”. Sounds like rather an understatement to me, but whatever.

Being a sangoma sounds like it’s a rather demanding profession. Apparently, well according to Kwayedza anyway, varoyi (witches) in Zimbabwe are using dismembered male penises as whistles. Don’t ask me how that works or why they can’t just buy themselves whistles instead. And an inyanga in Lalapanzi was seriously burnt by a suspected goblin which he was allegedly trying to get rid of in a home cleansing ceremony. I seriously couldn’t be involved in that profession.

Anyway, weird stuff aside, it’s been a year since 3 of my family members were in a crazy helicopter crash:

They all survived by the grace of God and are doing well one year on. I’m very grateful for that.