“Dear gentle reader, without deliberately abusing you…”

Zimbabwean envoy to Australia, Ambassador Jacqueline Zwambila (from MDC-T) is back in the news again this week. She’s apparently embroiled in a nasty labour dispute with another MDC-T official, Mr Felix Machiridza, whom she reportedly lured to Canberra to work for her.  In short, it is claimed that she promised him much but, after he failed to submit to her seduction, she would call him to her room at night to serve her drinks while she was half naked, or “half-na ked” (as the Herald put it) and, at times, ordered him to “clean up used condoms from her son’s bedroom”. Machiridza also claims that the Ambassador made him live in the garage because he refused to occupy a bedroom on the same floor as hers. Please note, it’s not like she was making him share a bedroom with her, just a bedroom on the same floor. It sounds like Machiridza is a real pain in the neck.

Machiridza claims he approached MDC-T to complain about the Ambassador’s behaviour, but they told him to keep quiet about it. Then he went to the Australian Human Rights Commission for assistance, but they also blew him off, citing diplomatic immunity and stuff. To cut a long story short, Machiridza has since been fired by the Ambassador, but continues to live at her residence in Canberra. It didn’t specify whether he was still in the garage or had sucked up having to occupy a bedroom on the same floor as the Ambassador. Either way, it’s weird that he continues to hang out there. And, presumably, the Ambassador continues to follow her son’s sex life and condom usage closely. Which is even weirder.

But this isn’t nearly as juicy as the Ambassador’s epic meltdown last last year, which is her real claim to fame. Apparently, in a fit of anger, and after accusing three embassy officials of leaking information to the Herald, she stripped down to her undergarments. The three embassy officials, who no doubt wanted to blind themselves with a stick after seeing what they saw, lodged official complaints with the Zimbabwean government, who immediately recalled the Ambassador and the complaining officials back to Harare to try to understand what the hell had gone down in Canberra. I wasn’t as concerned about what had actually happened as I was about the fact that the Ambassador thought stripping was an appropriate reaction to anger, especially in a “professional” environment. The Ambassador claimed that she had been “provoked”. Provoked? Huh?

Anyway, some guy used Ambassador Zwambila’s stripping outburst, as well as adultery committed by another MDC-T official, Toendepi Shonhe, who he describes as being a philandering DG, as the basis for an opinion article entitled “Hail the party of Sexellence!” that he wrote for the Herald. It’s hilarious. He is obviously a loyal ZANU-PF supporter, with an accompanying hatred for MDC-T and a love for flamboyant writing. I’ll share some of his thoughts with you, in his own words, and in the order in which he wrote them, lest I inadvertently add any sense to them. For those not familiar with Harare, the author’s use of “the Avenues” is in reference to the area in Harare infamous for countless prostitutes, our “red-light district” as you will… except without any red lights. Or any lights at all really.

The author, who doesn’t actually name himself, but provides a sombre passport-style photo of himself half asleep, starts off with, “A man who brings home a maggot-infested log must not be surprised when lizards pay him a visit, goes yet an adage from Nhamoyebond Village, aptly captured by Nigerian writer, Chinua Achebe. Assembling a political entity with rogue elements must not surprise MDC-T leader Morgan Tsvangirai whose party is hogging the limelight with issues relating to the undergarment and the loins. From nudist ambassador to sexcapade director general and subordinate information officer, to be precise … does that not signal the dearth of morality at Harvest House, where there is a bumper harvest of thorns for Tsvangirai? What a national indelicacy!

In my instalment last week I talked about Ambassador Jacqueline Zwambila who had done a strip-tease by allegedly stripping to her undergarments in front of male embassy staff yonder in Australia. If one was shocked by the Australian incident, then the recent one in which director general Toendepi Shonde, from the same party that gave us Zwambila, bedded someone’s wife who happens to work for the same party and ended up beating up the poor hubby, should equally be shocking. And one thing is clear: the MDC-T at least from what we are seeing is a party of “SEXexcellence”” … Dude, my whole thing is that if you’re going to be clever and merge “sex” and “excellence”, then actually merge them, don’t just write them close together. “Sexexcellence” just sounds stupid.

The author continues, “Let us start with Zwambila. She played the Avenues in a bizarre fit of rage as she confronted embassy staff she accused of leaking a link to a damning website on which she brazenly claimed that sanctions imposed on Zimbabwe by the European Union did not affect the country at all. My foot! Even a stripper from the Avenues feels the impact of the sanctions but this villager will not be tempted to draw further comparison between the sisters, one in Canberra and several others in the Avenues.

Dear gentle reader, without deliberately abusing you, have you heard about the village idiot who fouls the communal well, where everyone drinks, including himself or herself? My late father, Ephraim Guvamombe, a revered teacher for 41 years, having graduated from Kutama College in 1959, would have put it this way: “Never teach a pig to sing because you annoy the pig and worse still, it has no vocal chords for such lyrics. It will not sing.” What? I genuinely don’t understand what either of these sayings has to do with the current situation. At all. Or what the second one even means, but anyway. I must admit, though, that “Dear gentle reader, without deliberately abusing you…” is one of the most awesome things I’ve read in a while.

Then he says a bunch of things that really are too lame to recount, basically refering to some guy called Charles Beatle (who the author prefers to call Beetle “because the man is dung beetle”) who MDC-T seems to have hired to be their think-tank because Tsvangirai, Biti and Makoni have no brains of their own, blah, blah, British, blah, blah, enemies, blah, blah, Zimbabwe will never be a colony again. It’s  very tedious.

Finally, he ends off with, “We know the camel’s misdeed in that fable and we will not be fooled… All right-thinking Zimbabweans should be vigilant and unsheathe their swords to drive out the camels. At the same time those of us harbouring the camels, in their warped benevolence, should probably expect some blows to fall in their way, if they do not get off. For now, this villager will return to his roots in Guruve for more wisdom”.

Now, I seriously can’t work out what he was trying to say. Or who the camels are supposed to refer to. Or what wisdom he finds in Guruve. A fellow reader basically summed up the whole article with his comment of “What exactly are you saying?”, while another said, “grammar 5/10; spelling 10/10 (windows assistance); sentence construction 3/10; originality and style 1/10 only you know your father; content 1/10.” I couldn’t have said it better myself.

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