Getting a little electricity in Zimbabwe is tough. There’s been load shedding for the last decade and, as with many of Zimbabwe’s problems, there’s no apparent end in sight. ZESA, the Zimbabwe Electricity Supply Authority (a.k.a. Zimbabwe Electricity Sometimes Available) can’t pay it’s bills to Mozambique for the power we get from Cahora Bassa, and Brother Leader has stopped footing the bill (he kinda has other problems on his plate right now… staying alive, for example), so power is scarce.
My mum has been complaining about ZESA more than usual of late as she’s only getting 2 hours of power on some days. Knowing ZESA, those 2 hours are probably between 2am and 4am, because obviously that’s the most logical time to do your laundry and cook dinner… or is it breakfast by then? ZESA really needn’t bother. Without a generator, you feel like you’re living back in King Monomatapa’s time when Great Zimbabwe was all the rage.
So I was checking out ZESA’s website to see why things are worse at the moment and what they have to say for themselves. They have a link so you can download the load shedding timetable for your area. That would be useful except that the link doesn’t work. You can also check out their Vision and Mission, both of which are generally entertaining. Their Visions is: “To be the preferred provider of electricity and convenience”, which made me wonder – preferred to what? Generators? It’s not like there are any other options. And their Mission is: “We are committed to the provision of safe and reliable electricity and related services to all in a fair and cost effective manner”. Bless. This is really interesting considering the fact that the only thing my mum has received from ZESA of late is a bill for US$1000. There’s no fairness, no cost effectiveness… and no provision either. Who are they kidding?
But my favourite thing on their website is their suggestions on how to save power, for example, use a laptop instead of a desktop. I swear that’s exactly what they said.
And then a friend introduced me to ZESA’s facebook page. This has brought a whole new level of entertainment to my life. I’ll share some of May’s gems with you. Before I start, though, there are a few things that you may need to know: 1. magetsi = electricity 2. Zimbabwe still has the highest literacy rate in Africa (you’ll probably Google this later because you won’t believe me) 3. The only page that ZESA “likes” is Barney Stinson (How i met your mother).
Whities out there, don’t fret, there’s enough English to get the general gist of what people are saying. Here goes, and these are direct quotations:
- I dnt expect 2 find u on facebook liyakholisa ukuthethiswa hantsho u hv turned zimbabwe into a dark nation
- hey mr zesa wheres my zesa, it the pits without zesa
- I am going 2 shit on ur wall evrydae until u change ur waes. nxa
- wi ah now tired of dis power cutz
- makaoma! u r the best servive providers!! what cn we ever do wthout u. I worship the ground u walk on. the water u bath wth I prefer to drink it. tinokutyai!! those are some of the compliments which must b coming ur way bt ………………………..
- okes whats your phone number cause every one I have just rings! 2 montgomery road what the story? all the houses around have power?
- tipeiwo maserious kuzesa ikoko purizi tipeiwo magetsi muna 4th avenue warrenpark avirinani mukaendesa mvura pane magetsi
- I wl not shout ro insult u rather I wl ask 2 simple questions 1) can u pliz publish ur current load shedding schedule. 2) what is the difference btwn pple in hre and other cities? the reason for this question is in places like Masvingo electricity goes arnd 4am and comes bck rnd 10pm; part of the question -: why is it some places like Tynwald hardly have load shedding bt Dzivarasekwa has load shedding. What criteria are u using?
- we do not have lights the whole day come home from work kids have’nt eaten so unfair
- ya ZESA what the F**K!! I’m ova this, I’ve sworn at every flippin worker who’s picked up the phone! Haha
- F.U F.U F.U F.U F.U UP YOURZ U COCKROACHES
- what did mankind have before candles…ZESA…fuck heads!
- asi tell me something? kuhighlands hanzi tadiiko magetsi anoenda takarara odzoka tarara. avirikumborewei hatisi tese tine magenerator vazhinji hatina. apa kupera kwemwedzi motiturira mabisi asingaiti. be reasonible.
- I think it’s now personal. everyday at 5am it doesn’t make sense at all.
- I wntd 2 shit on ur wall bt t sims a lot of people have dne t on my behalf, lmao so ya I’ll just be courteous, pliz bring elec back…
- What tha FUCK a u tryin to happen so u ZESA IDIOTS hw do u mean kuendesa magetsi?
- shit mani bisani amagetsi zithutha. twice a day yini.
- What tha FUCK are u trying to do we only spend two hours wit electricity so dnt try to fuck wit us yung ass muthafuckerz.