rapture fails

I don’t know about you, but I feel rather let down by the lack of rapturing that took place on Saturday. Not that I wanted real full-on rapturing jazz to go down, but, at the very least, a good street party should have been in order. Or maybe a little streaking. No? Just me?

Anyway, as it turns out, Jozi wasn’t quite as into the rapturing thing as the States was. I thought this was lame at first, until I realised that perhaps it was a good thing. Turns out there were a number of rapture-related tragedies in the States with people taking things too far. Well, I don’t know if they still technically count as tragedies when they were stupidity-induced.

For instance, this guy, Herbert, had apparently been freaking out about the rapture and the second coming of Christ. He honestly believed jazz was going to go down, so his co-workers decided to stuff around with him a bit. Herbert left the open-plan office for a quick loo break and his co-workers lay their work outfits on their chairs in crumpled heaps and hid in a supply room. Herbert returned to find the Muslim janitor (who was in on the prank) hysterically running around and screaming that everyone had suddenly disappeared.

Herbert fell to the ground, clutching his heart, screaming, “I knew you’d forget me, Jesus! What did I do wrong?” Turns out the clutching-his-heart-thing was because he was having a heart attack. How awkward. His wife says that he hasn’t put his Bible down since he woke up from his bypass surgery.

Ok, so Herbert was a bit neurotic. It happens. What’s more difficult to understand is a lady who climbed out of her moving car’s sunroof and jumped, in the hopes that Jesus would catch her and take her up with him. Her husband, who was in the car with her, said that she’d apparently seen Jesus standing on the side of the road with 12 people floating upwards around him. Then she started screaming, “He’s back! He’s back!” and, before he could stop her, she jumped out the sunroof to join the floaters.

Turns out some guy was on his way to a rapture party and had dressed up as Jesus as a joke. People had always told him that he looked like Jesus and, finally, he got his chance to pull off being Jesus. Apparently, the tarpaulin covering the bed of his pickup had come loose and released the 12 blow-up sex dolls filled with helium that he’d stuffed in the back of his pickup (as one does). So “Jesus” pulled over to try to catch them. It was at this precise moment that the lady concerned drove past.

Eyewitnesses called it a “mistaken rapture”, which seems to me to be a rather big understatement, and “Jesus” was really freaked out and said that nothing like that had ever happened to him before. You don’t say.

#tooweak

p.s. they do kinda look like floating sex toys don’t they?

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