To butt or not to butt enhance

I came across a ridiculous article in the Zimbabwean Herald online (yes, yes, judge away, reading the Herald is embarrassing and unforgivable, I know *hanging head in shame*) Anyway, the article was entitled “To butt or not to butt enhance, is the question”… like a very messed up version of  “to be or not to be”. The article was very badly written to say the least, but there’s something about the way that Zimbabwean journalists express themselves that warms my heart and makes me laugh… actually, mainly it makes me laugh… so I’ve quoted a lot and tried to keep true to the original. Hopefully we’ll all leave this a bit more knowledgeable.

The article is about the apparent spate of women in Zimbabwe who are “drinking large proportions of pills and other concoctions to make their behinds grow bigger”. Yes, their behinds (that was the very word that they used). And their boobs.

Apparently women are resorting to such desperate measures because they want “to make sure they have [a behind] that can be appreciated by men, a behind that does not leave touts and rank marshals whistling as if they are mocking yet they will be salivating”. We are assured that the shouts from touts and rank marshals of “Mutumba vasekuru, mutumba!” (Extra large uncle, extra large!) in reference to women with heavy behinds is apparently not meant to undermine women, “despite the fact that some women do not like that – but they will be praising women with big behinds”. Yeah right.

The market for these pills and other medicines is booming, and those smuggling and selling these illegal substances “are enjoying brisk business”, so much so that many women, such as Dorothy Magodhi of Mbare, have admitted that “this worries some of us who are thin and we end up finding ways to be like the attractive ones”. Heavy is definitely the new slim in Zimbabwe.

However, we’re told that there is a dark side to this saga too, as “others are now regretting why they took these behind enhancing pills as they are now disabled due to after effects. The left buttocks and breasts of these women are now larger than those on the right side”.  The story focuses in on thin Dorothy Magodhi of Mbare again, who told journalists, “Yesterday, I plaited the hair of a woman who confessed that she now has sleepless nights after using the pills. You will laugh or maybe sympathise with her if you see the way she now looks. The buttock and breast from one side of her body is now bigger than the other. She now walks sideways like a crab”. Seriously, that’s what Dorothy said. Dorothy also added that the “disabled” woman went to complain to the vendors at the entrance of Mupedzanhamo that the pills that she had bought from them had deformed her. Needless to say, Dorothy reported that “they laughed at her”.

The article then goes into very unnecessary detail of how these pills can also be inserted into your bottom, but that they cause problems like incontinence and stuff. Let’s just skip over that part. Awesome.

Apparently, “there are men who also want to exhibit beautiful bodies”, although I can’t imagine why men would be taking pills to enhance their behinds and their breasts, but, you know, each to his own. “Maybe they are homosexual” is the only way the authors can explain such occurrence. There are also creams that, when applied to certain areas of the body, cause the body to bulge there. There is no way that that is normal, I’m just saying.

Joy Soko sells some of the pills at Market Square in Harare for US$1 per packet. She says, “One takes these pills until a point when he or she gets the desired body shape. It also enhances one’s appetite. Even men and young people can take the pills. They can be taken by everyone, especially slim women before your husbands run away from you”. It says she was joking.

Sekuru Chihoro is quoted as urging “women to desist from taking the bottom enhancing pills, saying it was important that they be content with their structures.” He also said that “someone can have large buttocks but during pleasure time can be like a dead animal while the slender can be like wild animals during the act”. WTF? Now to erase that mental image…

Anyway, Dr Obadiah Moyo from Chitungwiza General Hospital agrees with Sekuru Chihoro that women shouldn’t take these pills, they should only take medicines they purchased from registered pharmacies. Thanks, I’ll be sure to remember that and I hope that all of you will too.

Hardly surprising, the article was written by a man, two of them actually. I imagine they rather enjoyed their assignment somewhat, in fact I can see them cracking each other up whilst writing this nonsense. Needless to say, the Herald has sunk to a new all-time low for me. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

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2 responses to “To butt or not to butt enhance

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