Beware the Xanax

Yesterday my boss walked into my office and sat down, very quietly and very calmly. I was immediately suspicious…not because he had sat down in my office for no apparent reason, but because he was so calm. You see, he has a rather obvious case of ADHD and is never still and never quiet, much less both at the same time. After a while I tentatively asked, “Are you ok?” He replied, speaking extremely slowly and slurring his words, “A friend gave me some Xanax earlier.” “Xanax?” I asked, totally not sure what it was. “Xanax, you know, the tranquilizer. The stuff that neurotic divorced women take,” he said by way of explanation. “Why did you take Xanax?” I asked, trying to work out what he and neurotic divorced women could possibly have in common. “I was stressed out and panicking and stuff. It helped a lot, but it is reeeally strong,” he said, still slurring. I started laughing. Dude was stoned.

Right then, a friend of his walked in. I know him because we drafted a joint will for him and his wife a few months ago. The friend asked my boss if he was feeling better, and I realised that he must have been the friend that had supplied the Xanax. My boss looked at him, squinting somewhat, and said, “My brother, that Xanax stuff is sooo strong, I’m feeling totally zonked out”. The friend looked somewhat concerned and asked, “How much did you take?” “I took 1mg. Isn’t that what you said?” my boss replied, looking for some sort of assurance that everything was under control. “No, my brother, no, that’s not what I said. You’re supposed to only take 0.25mg, man. Oh my god, you’re totally stoned!” The friend started laughing, and then continued, “I’ve never seen you so calm, man! You took four times the dosage! This is hilarious!”

By this stage, I was killing myself laughing. Then my boss chirped up and said, “Not as hilarious as us drafting your joint will and then your wife left you 3 weeks later. Fuck, that was funny”.

At first I wasn’t sure that I’d heard right, but stopped laughing immediately just in case. My mind was confusedly running through what had just happened. Did my boss seriously just say that to his friend’s face? How stoned is he? Wow, this is sooo majorly awkward. *earth, swallow me now!* was all I could think of as I turned to gaze out my window, trying to pretend that I was somewhere else, anywhere else. Such a *chirp, chirp* moment right there.

“Ja, my brother, that was such a mess. What a bitch,” the friend piped in, and they both packed out laughing. I didn’t laugh anymore. Things had gone too far. It’s just as well they’re good friends and have clearly laughed at the situation before. But, people, beware the Xanax, it’s not your friend, especially when you fail to read the recommended dosage information.


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